Today was the Graduation celebration; a party I suppose. When the entire family enters; including my tio's, tia's abeulito, abeulita, I try embrace them all even though we all feel like strangers. I wonder about myself as I look at them as the past and the present, and I see my family. There is a contentment between us. They laugh and joke, and I am jovial. They banter and make the queer, awkward atomsphere a more lighthearted !Aiy Pobrecito! Their smiles pour across the room. I am really joking now. I am really relating with the soft faces that look back at me. And I think the women look beautiful with manzanita cheeks. But am I happy inquires my inward self? I stand on the edge of life making observations. We all try so hard to kill awkwardness failing and succeeding... this is what a family feels like I guess. Why do I retract into isolation? Why do I stay in my head when life calls down from a great mountaintop? Why do I think when it says go and be... I don't know.
We pass around the cake and leave, making sure to hug twice. Once when entering, again when leaving. This is the routine. This is the measured relation of people brought together by blood and separated by a thousand other divisions that make up the modern American life. This is how my family from east la and hesperia breaks bread with my family from the white affluent neighborhood of south pasadena.

I go back and forth on the question of happiness. But I know God is more with me today than he was before. I seek such companionship. I seek longingly the warmth of his spirit.
-Tim